Children’s books exist to strike fear.

I admit, I scare easily. I don’t like watching horror movies, don’t like the sight of blood or death unless it’s in an animated format (and even then I get kind of icky when it comes to stuff like Higurashi) and got nightmares over Mars Attack after watching it as a child. Yes, Mars Attack. That movie where Martians had those bigass brain heads that exploded and wielded guns that could fucking turn you into a skeleton. That movie that was supposed to be a satire. That movie that was made by Tim Burton. I also fear for my future, since I’m a pathetic and worthless sack of flesh who has no talents whatsoever. But nothing, and I repeat, NOTHING has scarred me for life like Brian Martin’s Redwall series.

No, it’s not the blatant racism depicted in the stereotyping of vermin as irredeemably evil, nor is it the black-and-white uncompromising attitude that brainwashes children into believing that there are only two paths in life. It’s not the horrifying wars that shouldn’t be taking place in a children’s novel series, nor is it the terrifying fact that all the characters are FUCKING RODENTS AND THE LIKE WHO CAN TALK. No, it’s none of that. What the Redwall series has done to me is something much, MUCH more terrifying.

Brian Martin’s Redwall has given me a fear of having my throat slit from behind.

I don’t know why I have that fear, nor do I even remember if such a scene ever existed in the Redwall novels. Yet, whenever I have time to think to myself, I think about some vagrant slitting my throat with a sharp knife, carving out my Adam’s apple and watching myself bleed to death, and when that happens, I immediately blame Redwall. And that episode of CSI (Two and a Half Deaths) didn’t really help, either, what with that guy bleeding to death after cutting himself while shaving. On a side note, I also hate shaving, and will only do so when the annoyance of having a stubble beats out my love of living.

All I know is that I cannot, for the fear of my life, expose my neck in public or private. My neck is constantly hunched in order to prevent whatever fiends might be after my life. Which is ironic, really. If people want me dead, they could simply shoot or stab me upfront, or simply push me out of a window. But I’m not scared of that. Let them do that.

Just don’t let them get to my neck.

Sayings About Life (Pt. 2)

“Life is like working at Tim Hortons. Except it’s not Tim Hortons, it’s Starbucks.”

- A disgruntled Starbucks employee

“If life was the Bible, and Jesus ate tacos, then life would have cheese. Why can’t life be a burrito?”

- A devout Taco Bell employee

“There are many questions one can ask about life. Why are we here? Who is responsible for our being? What is our fate, and who the hell keeps complaining about working at Starbucks?”

- Some philosophical dude from Second Cup

“Life is like a hamburger. We got the meat, the cheese, the bread, the lettuce, the tomato, the onions and the pickles. You know what that is? That’s discriminating against chickenburgers, is what it is.”

- A bored Burger King employee

“I fucking hate Burger King.”

- A pissed off McDonalds employee going way off track

A Donut in a Mirror

If you hold a donut and stare straight into the mirror, sooner or later you’ll realize you’re being a stupid.

Seriously, what kind of person holds a donut while staring into a reflection?

This has been… your belated Maggeh’s Pastry Moment of the Month.

The Inevitable Decline of Mankind and the Process of Information Transcendence

All I’m trying to say is…

It’s been FOUR FUCKING MONTHS and Wikipedia STILL doesn’t have a decent summary of Lakeview Terrace. I mean, COME ON. The Eagle Eye summary came out within days, and they still can’t come up with a satisfactory summary for a movie that has Samuel L. Jackson?

Wikipedia, why must you disappoint people like me who have no interest in watching movies but like to know what happens in them?

Ice Tea is Supererior

So, apparantly, Ice Tea costs more than other soft drinks like Pepsi and Cola.

This proves one thing.

Ice Tea is superior to other pop sodas.

This is a fact.

Now, good day, sir.

GOOD FUCKING DAY I SAID.

Sayings About Amusement Parks

“The roller coaster reminds me of my work.”

- A disgruntled Starbucks employee

“That bad man in the costume touched me!”

- A girl talking about a Catholic priest who was visiting the amusement park

“You think YOU have it bad, fucker? Try being me!”

- A pretzel vendor to the disgruntled Starbucks employee

“What do you mean, $4.50 for a fucking small soda? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKERS?”

- The average amusement park visitor

“What do you mean, $4.50 for a fucking medium soda? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKERS?”

- A dude who wanted to go to an amusement park but decided to go to the movies instead

“FOR SPARTA!!!!!!!!!!!!”

- A jackass who decided to cosplay someone from 300 and go around kicking little kids into water fountains

NINJA DONUT AND SAMURAI FRENCH TOAST!

A LONG LONG TIME AGO, in a Japanese temple, there were three pieces of pastry. One was a donut, another was a french toast and the final one was a baguette. The three pastries lived in harmony – seeing as they were inanimate lumps of dough that was pretty obvious – for a long, long time. Then again, they were pastry, so a long, long time was pretty much a day and a half. Then, it happened.

There was a KABLAM! and a KERSPLAT! and some shit. And suddenly… THE PASTRY WERE ALIVE! THAT’S RIGHT, BITCHES! ALIVE!

Sayings About Starbucks

“I work there. Meh.”

- A disgruntled Starbucks employee

“DRINKING COFFEE IS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD FOR YOUUUUUU!!!!!!!!”

- Some bitch who drinks too much coffee

“Um… um… um…”

- Some jackass who doesn’t know what he’s going to get

“HURRY THE FUCK UP, MORON!”

- Someone standing behind some jackass who doesn’t know what he’s going to get

“What do you mean,  you don’t serve Pepsi?”

- An idiot who looks for Pepsi in a Starbucks

“I’M ON FIRE! FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!”

- Someone on fire

I Believe I Can…

Remember those good old days, when Michael Jordan starred in moves like Space Jam, Space Jam and Space Jam? There was that awesome song by R. Kelly – even more awesome than his Hiding in the Closest, which is an epic series of drama condensed in a song – called I Believe I Can Fly. It won a Grammy, I believe. Anyhow, the ‘in’ thing to do those days was to take that song and then change the lyrics so that it would become extremely hilarious. It’s a tradition that continues even to this day!

Here are some of the beautifully rendered changes to I Believe I Can Fly. Sadly, I can only remember the first verses. Depressing, right?

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